Season 3 - Episode 1: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that in any negotiation, you fixate on your counterpart’s strategy to get the most out of you. It’s a natural thought - a negotiation is very much a confrontation and frankly you don’t want to be duped. But confrontations aren’t always bad - yes, they have the potential to be destructive, but more often than not they have a greater opportunity to be constructive. Rather than focusing on them, it’s time to focus on you. For better outcomes, try preparing yourself first.
In the first episode of Season 3 and our “Negotiation Elevation” series, we tackle how preparing ourselves for a negotiation is one of the best ways to ensure a positive outcome for you and your business.
Background Story
Dave here. I’ve been in many negotiations - whether external or internal - in my career. While I don’t think I’m necessarily the best negotiator, I do take a lot of pride in it. It’s a challenge, it’s fun, and usually it leads to good outcomes.
But in some cases, I have a tendency to get pretty worked up. I get worried and start thinking - am I going to get hosed (classic Canadian term right there)? Are they going to out maneuver me? Negotiations always felt very serious because I thought I had a lot to lose.
Most of the time though the anxiety actually stemmed from not understanding myself and what my true motivations were for entering a negotiation. If it was a sales call, sure, I’d be there to close a deal. But was it just about the money for me? In reality, understanding what actually motivated my bargaining position helped me become a better connector and by extension, negotiator with others. In today’s episode we cover how to look inward and what to look for when negotiating with others.
Outline
The 5 “Whys” and Why they Matter
How to Get a Calm Negotiator out of your Counterpart
You Don’t Push - You Attract.
Busted Myths
Myth: You need to only focus on the other person when preparing for a negotiation. Nope - look inside first.
Myth: You know your actual motivations in a given negotiation. Wrong - you have to go deep internally.
Learnings
The 5 Whys and Why they Matter
First off, a core competency of any leader is negotiation - because there's more of it these days with so many horizontal businesses. Internally or externally, you’re negotiating almost all the time. And remember too: negotiations are an exercise of influence. It’s not a dance-off; it’s a tango.
What we want to avoid: reacting. When you're angry you'll make the best speech (or email) you'll ever regret. Instead we want to prepare by looking inward - to step back from the situation. Calm, perspective. These days constant notifications make us hyper reactive.
William Ury, Getting to Yes - GOAT of negotiations - said on the HBR Idea Cast that he had been working with a CEO of an enormous 150K person firm in Brazil. The CEO was in a tense negotiation and had a big list of stuff he "wanted". While he has business objectives, when William pushed him to look inward, he considered what he really wanted.
William explained the 5 Whys. Literally asking the person “why” 5 times till you get to the heart of the matter.
How to Get a Calm Negotiator out of your Counterpart
We need to get a grip on the 5 Whys so we can actually understand what we want. Then, consider the type of negotiation you’re taking on:
Internal negotiations are more frequent, but can be easier. For these, get personal and then team alignment. Get differences out there early - an “airing of the grievances”. Drill down to what people really need - those are the real drivers. For you personally, understand your drivers. Helps others look in.
When you look in and explain to others how you looked inward, it will help them do the same.
In external, this can be helpful too but it may not be as easy to achieve, particularly with lawyers involved. So, when should we think about the other person in the negotiation? Don't project or react - offer possibilities. Do the exact same thing for the other side as yourself.
You Don’t Push - You Attract.
So, how do you get your opponent to be calm and understand their interests? It’s about listening. Understanding, and empathizing. Don’t listen to counter them, listen to understand! What would you want from the other side?
Make yourself a bit vulnerable and meet them halfway. You must signal respect. Make them feel heard. Then you can start working together.
It’s the "Golden Bridge". You don't push, you attract. You start the conversation from where they are and work from there to your position. You make it easier, not harder.
Ury again - the BATNA changes: know it before you go into the negotiation. It's not negative thinking, it's alternative positive thinking. Sometimes it helps you to realize the comfort you have in your position. Paradoxically, it heightens the likelihood of reaching a good outcome.
Summary
Focus on you first, then your counterparts.
Before you can negotiate effectively you’ll need to know you.
You’re looking for calm, composure.
Use the 5 Whys
You don’t push - you attract. Listen, understand, empathize.
Data And References
HBR IdeaCast / Episode 956 - To Negotiate Better, Start with Yourself
March 5, 2024
https://hbr.org/podcast/2024/03/to-negotiate-better-start-with-yourself